Super Mario RPG: Raw and Uncut
by I Am the Almighty Person
Summary: One of Mario's missions to save the princess goes awry, and his most...uh...epic adventure begins. A parody of the first and best Mario RPG ever made. Reviews are welcome, as always.
1. Prologue: Toadstool Gets Kidnapped Again

**A/N:** Although I am currently still working on PMTTYD: Raw and Uncut, I figured that I would just get the first chapter of my Super Mario RPG parody out of the way already. So without further ado, I'm pleased to present yet another installment of the Raw and Uncut parody series…Super Mario RPG: Raw and Uncut!

When "a cappella" is used in the author's notes of this fic, it will officially be short for "I do not own a single thing in this story; everything belongs to their respective owners. And I emphasize **EVERYTHING**."

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**SUPER MARIO RPG: RAW AND UNCUT**

**Prologue: Peach—uh—Toadstool Gets Kidnapped Yet Again**

The young heiress to the throne of the Mushroom Kingdom, Princess Peach Toadstool—uh, I mean—Toadstool Toadstool, was kneeling down in the backyard garden of the tiny, cruddy house of none other than Mario Mario, savior of the Mushroom Kingdom, Sarasaland, etc., her beautiful golden hair and long pink dress shimmering in the cool breeze, as she giggled and shuddered from the cold, as well as her royal chest's royal nip—OH SHIT! Sorry, I'm getting carried away already.

So, of course, "Toadstool" had been picking away at the flowers and playfully smashing harmless bumblebees like the dumb ditz she is as she mused, "Well, what to do today…what to do…Gosh, I'm bored! I'll just keep killing these adorable little bumblebees like some reckless royal princess with the mentality of a four-year-old! YIIIIPPPEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

And…she did. But then, after two hours of pointless bee-killing, Pea—uh—Toadstool noticed the sky darkening as a black cloud emerged above and grew exponentially to black out the sun and daylight entirely.

"Uh-oh! I guess the sky is mad today!" squealed, um, Princess Toadstool. "I need to play some happy music for it to dance to!" She turned on her sickeningly cute pink boom-box and popped in a jolly Beatles record for the sky to…er…well, "dance" to.

"UGH! TURN THAT SMUT OFF!" screamed a familiar growling voice from behind the giant black cloud. "I FUCKIN' HATE THE BEATLES!"

"_What?_" Princess Peach gasped. "What sort of heartless person would hate the _Beatles?_"

"ME!" the voice yelled again. The person owning that very same voice flew out from behind the cloud and headed towards Toadstool at a rapid speed. Toadstool, surprisingly, actually had enough intelligence to realize who it was! Astounding!

Well, yes, it was none other than the King of the Koopas, Bowser Koopa. In all his spiky-shelled, yellow-scaled, flame-haired, and horn-headed glory, of course.

"EEEEEEP!" cried Toadstool. "BOWSER! MAAAAAAARIO! HELP M—"

It was too late for Pe—uh—Toadstool to finish her cry for help, though. Bowser snatched Toadstool away in an instant, disappearing as the sky suddenly became beautiful again when "Twist and Shout" started up on the Beatles record.

"Princess, you know I can't help M! She's a fictional Gooms Bond character!" snapped Mario as he came out of the house into the garden a few minutes later. He noticed a letter on the ground where the princess had been kneeling just a few minutes ago. Of course, the heroic plump plumber picked it up and read it…

_Mari,_

_Writing letrr in hury Been kidnapped by Bow ser agai HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP_

_Princss P—uh—Todstoooool_

_P.S. HELP_

"Oh, crap, she got herself kidnapped by Bowser AGAIN!?" yelled Mario in anguish as he crumpled the letter up and threw it elsewhere. He was just about to do a really neat super jump and suddenly jump to the next scene when the ending of "Twist and Shout" caught his ear. He turned yearningly towards the boom-box.

"Oooooooh, the Beatles!" he squeaked, rewinding the record and cuddling the boom-box as he listened to all fourteen songs nonstop on repeat for another four hours.

---

**LATER**

"Eh, okay, I may as well rescue Peach—uh—'Toadstool' now," muttered Mario as he finished listening to "Twist and Shout" and the whole record for the eighth time.

He did his cool little jumping thing, ended up at the entrance of Bowser's Keep, a hideout of Bowser's surrounded by a lava pit, and knocked on the door stupidly. After waiting impatiently for someone to open the door for 10 minutes, Mario simply knocked the thing down and went inside.

---

**Bowser's Keep – Entrance Hall**

The smell of Bowser's terribly-cooked pasta immediately wafted from the upstairs kitchens down to the entrance hall of the keep, penetrating Mario's fat round nose with an awful scent. The plumber ignored this and continued to head toward the door leading to the second floor, but then, out of nowhere, one of Bowser's inferior troops popped up out of the floor. I don't know how he did that—I mean, he's only a simple Koopa in knight armor—but whatever.

"AH! AH-HAH! YOU SHALL FALL VICTIM TO MY MAD SKILLZ, MARIO HOMIE G.! AHA-HAHA!" squawked the troop.

"Alright then…" mumbled Mario. "…Let's fight, I suppose."

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 15/15

FP: 5/5

Koopa Guard #1 HP: 10/10

FP: WOW, HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW?

Mario uses standard attack. Does 5 damage to Koopa Guard #1.

Koopa Guard #1 uses standard attack. Does 1 damage to Mario.

Mario uses standard attack. Does 3 damage to Koopa Guard #1.

Koopa Guard #1 uses Shell Attack. Does 3 damage to Mario.

Mario uses standard attack. Does 3 damage to Koopa Guard #1. Koopa Guard #1 is defeated!

**A VICTORY IS MARIO!**

"Uh…wha?" Mario muttered.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"AHA! BOO-YAAAAH!" boasted Mario, cheerfully mooning the guard's corpse before casually moving on forward and entering the second floor.

Mario continued to beat up multiple pathetic Koopa guards, then finally came to the door leading to Bowser's highest private chambers. The fat Italian plumber took a deep breath, and tried to step toward the door. He would have gotten there, but two more Koopa guards popped up in his way somehow. He noticed one of the guards was slightly stronger than usual, so he made sure to be careful in this fight.

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 11/15

FP: 5/5

Koopa Guard #1 HP: 10/10

Super Koopa Guard #1 HP: 12/12

FP: THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW.

Mario uses Jump on Super Koopa Guard #1. Does 5 damage.

Koopa Guard #1 uses standard attack. Does 2 damage to Mario.

Super Koopa Guard #1 charges up attack power! OOOOOH!

Mario uses standard attack on Koopa Guard #1. Does 4 damage.

Koopa Guard #1 uses standard attack…and misses Mario.

Super Koopa Guard #1 unleashes a charged standard attack…and misses Mario. Psssh, these guys are total klutzes…

Mario uses Jump on Super Koopa Guard #1. Does 7 damage. Super Koopa Guard #1 faints!

Koopa Guard #1 uses Shell attack. Does 1 damage to Mario.

Mario uses standard attack on Koopa Guard #1. Does 3 damage.

Koopa Guard #1 uses Shell attack. Does 2 damage to Mario.

Mario uses standard attack on Koopa Guard #1. Does 4 damage. Koopa Guard #1 faints!

**A VICTORY IS MARIO!**

"Okay, seriously, something's wrong with the victory message…" Mario said.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

Mario deserted the dead guards' bodies, recharging his stats and running into Bowser's chambers quickly. He almost immediately noticed Toadstool hanging right over his head by a thick rope from the spike-infested ceiling. The spiky Koopa King himself appeared behind Mario at that moment, seemingly materializing out of thin air.

"Heh heh heh…" chuckled Bowser, suddenly lashing out at Mario, knocking him to the floor in a second flat. "Maybe I would have been less harsh when I kidnapped your girlfriend if she would just shut off that damn Beatles record, but nooooo! Of course not! Little old Peach—uh—Toadstool ALWAYS has to get stuff her way! I hate that so much! Well, now she can stay with me forever and we'll form a great romantic relationship when you're finally out of the way!! GET READY, MARIO! WE'RE GOING TO FIGHT FOR, LIKE, THE TEN BILLIONTH TIME THIS WEEK, FATTY!"

"Oh, okay," Mario said, balling his fists up. "This will be a cinch, Princess. Relax."

"Whatsa cinch?" shouted Toadstool. Mario grimaced.

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 15/15

FP: 8/8

Bowser HP: I dunno, but it's probably something like…100002382937497/100002382937497

FP: Uh…

Mario uses standard attack. Does 1 damage to Bowser.

Bowser uses standard attack. Does 2 damage to Mario.

Mario uses Jump. Does 2 damage to Bowser.

Bowser uses Fire Breath. Does 3 damage to Mario.

Mario uses Jump. Does 3 damage to Bowser.

Bowser uses standard attack. Does 1 damage to Mario.

Mario does standard atta—Oh, FORGET THIS! I'll just go to the important part.

"MARIO!" cried Toadstool. "Don't aim for Bowser! He has, like, a…a whole bunch of HP! Try hitting that adorable Kinklink rope thing that connects the chandelier he's standing on to the ceiling!"

"Wow, Nintendo can even give the most suggestive names imaginable to _ropes_," Mario pondered.

"Just trust me on this," said Toadstool firmly.

Mario uses Jump on Kinklink. Does 4 damage.

Bowser uses standard attack. Does 3 damage to Mario.

Mario uses standard attack on Kinklink. Does 3 damage.

Bowser uses standard attack. Does 2 damage to Mario.

Mario uses standard attack on Kinklink. Does 5 damage. Kinklink is destroyed!

"Uh….AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Bowser cried as he noticed the split rope that held his chandelier platform to the ceiling. He screamed as the platform plunged down the bottomless abyss below the battlefield, but not before throwing a knife at the Kinklink for Mario's chandelier and severing that link as well. Both the hero and villain were now rapidly falling for an eternity, and they began to get pretty bored after a while of falling, even playing three games of marbles together to pass the time. When Mario won all three games easily, Bowser threw a tantrum and tried lunging for Mario, but…

Mario uses Jump. Does 4 damage to Bowser. Amazingly, Bowser faints!

**A VICTORY IS MARIO!**

"Ugh, sheesh…" Mario muttered as he stared at the above victory text.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

After the final Jump attack had made contact with Bowser's head, the evil brute toppled over on his chandelier and yelled, "UGH, CURSE YOU, MARIO! How could you defeat me AGAIN!?" Mario jumped back up to the chambers, where Toadstool still was, and somehow stood on thin air in front of her. Apparently, these developers have no clue what the laws of physics are…

"Oh, thank you so much, Mario!" cried Princess Toadstool/Peach as she tried to wriggle free of the rope holding her to the ceiling. "Now, please try to help untie me, would you?"

"Alright, alright, alright," said Mario, who was clearly not in a hurry. He walked over to where he was right below Toadstool/Peach, looked up her dress, began drooling, and frantically started to jump in place, wondering that if he hit the rope enough times, it would break and everybody would eventually live happily ever after.

Just as Mario was about to break the final strand of the rope, an almighty voice boomed out, "BOWSERRRR!! YOU HAVEN'T PAID THE RENT FOR 3 MONTHS, AND I'M TAKING THIS CASTLE!...uh, I mean…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!"

An amazingly large sword the size of the Mushroom State Building crashed down through all of Bowser's Keep, and the force of the landing blew Toadstool/Peach, Mario, and Bowser all in different directions, spreading them far across the kingdom…

---

**A/N:** Ah goody, a cliffhanger. What'll happen next? Wait until the next chapter to find out, Einstein.


	2. On the Road to the Mushroom Kingdom

**A/N: **Nothing to say right now besides—a cappella!

**Chapter 1: On the Road to the Mushroom Kingdom**

…Falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, this is the greatest story ever, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling…

It never seemed to end. But then, after popping right into a narrow chimney, Mario's falling spree seemed to stop abruptly as he landed in a soft, cushiony, vaguely familiar bed.

"I remember this bed from somewhere…" Mario muttered with suspicion. "Oh, god, don't tell me I got drunk and slept with Toadette at her house again! Toad will be so pissed!!" The plumber hopped up and ran around the room in anguish, trying to find an exit…well, okay, he apparently wasn't trying too hard, since there was a door right in front of him at the room's other side…

Mario then stopped after looking all around the room. He then realized with relief that he just landed in his own house, and he chuckled innocently.

"Oh, NO!" he then said suddenly. "I'm in my house! Toad—uh—Pea—uh—Toadstool! Where's Princess Toadstool!? Last thing I remember was some huge explosion, then me, Bowser, and the princess were all sent flying in different directions across the kingd—Oh. That's what happened. Okay then. Anyway…PRIIIIINCESSSSSSSSSS! WHEEEEEEERRRRRRRE AAAAAAAAAARE YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!??"

"Calm down, tubby," snapped a nearby voice from the door. Toad, the princess' most loyal subject of all the…uh…Toads, came through the door and strode up to Mario. "I heard some really loud noise at your house from my garden, and I figured you were once again having more 'fun' with Toadette while the walls were literally shaking and the earth was literally quaking…wow, I just kind of quoted an AC/DC song…Anyway, that isn't the point right now! So I ran over to investigate the 'fun' you guys were having when, whaddya know, I saw you wriggling your fat ass through the chimney top. I was still suspicious, so I checked through the window. No Toadette, though. You're lucky this time. Sleep with my gal again, and you can consider yourself lynched, Mario."

But Mario wasn't listening. Instead, he was busy mastering the ancient Mongolian art of sleeping with eyes open and picking oneself's nose, both at the same time. Toad screamed, "…**_MARIOOOOO!!!_**" to get the plumber's attention, and, of course, he did.

"And also, Mario, there's this wonderful thing they invented in the past few millennia called a 'door' that people use to enter their houses…" Toad continued.

"Quiet, smart ass," Mario snapped. "I fell through the chimney only because I was going to rescue Toadstool from Bowser and failed miserably."

"How miserably?" asked Toad.

"Oh, miserably," Mario said, sadly nodding.

"…Yeah…" Toad whispered.

"Mmm-hmm," said Mario.

"Okay…"

"…Yep…"

"Alright then."

"Uh-huh."

"So…yeah, then…"

"Sure."

"…'kay…"

"…Yup."

This small talk went on awkwardly for about three more hours until Mario actually told Toad how everything suddenly went wrong while rescuing Toadstool.

"Dear gawd, that's awful!" Toad yelled. "You need to find the princess, Mario! And you also need to find….ah, forget Bowser. But still, you must head out NOW!"

"Okay…" said Mario. "But first, if you don't mind, I need a bit of rest. Maybe something around three whole months of it. It's been a hard day's night, after all."

"Forget it, those excuses ain't gonna work on me," Toad snapped. He forcefully dragged Mario out of his house as the fat plumber commenced his whining and tantrum fits. When outside, Toad smacked Mario on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, and continued dragging him to the dirt trail leading to the main village of the Mushroom Kingdom.

"Well…" Toad said, sniffling like a father from a dramatic movie leaving his son to go to college. "…Well, uh, I guess you should go now, son…"

"Uh…okay then, 'Dad'," said Mario, raising a suspicious eyebrow. But then the plumber began to sadly wheeze as well.

"I can't believe that…After all these doggone years…You're finally goin'…" sniffled Toad, smiling even though he was now crying like a newborn infant.

"Yeah…Look, Dad, I'll miss you…" Mario sniffed. "Aw, hell, bye, papa…I oughta be goin'…"

"I'll miss you. Have a great time at college," gurgled Toad. The two then began embracing, which was a pretty disturbing sight for Toadette and Mario's other neighbors to see. But they watched anyway. I dunno why.

To make things even incredibly creepier, Toad and Mario began vigorously kissing and touching each other after a while of hugging. The female neighbors began enjoying this, grabbing bags of popcorn to eat as they watched and whatnot, but it then began to get so freaking weird that Toadette screamed, "OKAY, OKAY, WE'VE SEEN ENOUGH! GAAAH, MY EYES!"

Toad and Mario finally let go of each other, and both carelessly and indifferently said "Bye," to one another, heading in separate directions.

And so began Mario's journey to college and manhood…Well, not really.

---

**Mushroom Way**

Mario was now well along the path to the Mushroom Kingdom's main village and the chancellor's castle when suddenly, two huge, bulky Koopas with helmets, uniforms, and hammers stormed up to him. One of them, for some reason, wore ducky flippers on his feet, while the other wore a spinning top-shaped hat. These two Koopa Troop soldiers were known by the codenames Ducky and Topper. I currently have the uncontrollable urge to laugh at what I am typing right now.

"Hey, yous! Gets outta da way an' stay outta da way!" Ducky snapped at Mario.

"Yea, yous!" snarled Topper.

"Wow, do I have to teach you folks a grammar lesson?" Mario said innocently, then shrugging. "C'mon, let's fight."

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 15/15

FP: 8/8

VS.

Hammer Bros. "Ducky" HP: 25/25

Hammer Bros. "Topper" HP: 25/25

Mario uses standard attack. Does 6 damage to Topper.

Ducky uses standard attack. Does 3 damage to Mario.

Topper uses Hammer Toss. Does 4 damage to Mario.

Mario uses Jump on Ducky. Does 7 damage.

Ducky uses standard attack. Misses Mario.

Topper uses standard attack. Does 2 damage to Mario.

Mario uses Jump on Ducky. Does 8 damage.

Ducky uses standard attack. Does 3 damage to Mario.

Topper uses Hammer Time, and…

"Now—STOP!...HAMMER TIME!" yelled Topper. A bunch of colored lights began shining everywhere without warning, and the battlefield became a rave in mere seconds.

"…The hell?" muttered Mario. "What's going on?"

"Go with the flow, in a spin, if you can't move to this then you are probably dead—" Topper began rapping. Then, out of nowhere…

The audience kills Topper for being a terrible dancer and rapper. The battlefield goes back to normal.

"Uh…" stuttered Ducky. "Uh-ohs…"

Mario uses Topper's hammer on Ducky. Does 8 damage. Ducky faints!

**A VICTORY IS MARIO!**

**MARIO LEVELS UP TO LEVEL 2! CHOOSES TO INCREASE HP BY 3!**

**MARIO GAINS A FLOWER TAB! FP IS INCREASED BY 1!**

**MARIO GETS A HAMMER!**

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"Oooooh…." muttered Ducky, "my poor little head…" He dropped dead to the ground.

"Ooooooh yeah!" yelled Mario, pumping a fist in the air victoriously as he equipped the Hammer he won from Topper. He continued down the yellow brick road, singing a jolly song—uh, yeah, something like that…

---

"**Later"**

Mario was minding his own business, walking down the road, noticing that the village was now fortunately only a few kilometers away. Then, suddenly, our hero was ambushed by a familiar brown enemy!

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 18/18

FP: 9/9

VS.

Goomba #1 HP: 7

Goomba #2 HP: 7

Goomba #3 HP: 7

Mario uses Hammer on Goomba #1. Does 9 damage. Goomba #1 faints!

Goomba #2 uses standard attack. Does 2 damage to Mario.

Goomba #3 uses standard attack. Does 1 damage to Mario.

Mario uses Hammer on Goomba #3. Does 8 damage. Goomba #3 faints! Mario gains an extra attacking turn!

Mario uses Hammer on Goomba #2. Does 10 damage. Goomba #2 faints!

**A VICTORY IS MARIO!**

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

Mario moved on towards the village, not wanting to be interrupted by any more annoying battles. But then, just as he was about to step onto the first patch of grass of the village ground, a light flashed, the random battle jingle from Pokémon sounded, and a fight began! Oh, JOY!

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 18/18

FP: 9/9

VS.

Hammer Bros. "Ducky" V2.0 HP: 250/250

"What the?!—" Mario cried in disbelief. "But I thought I—"

"You DIDN'T kill me, fool!" yelled Ducky in a very roboticized voice. "Just before I became a cold, dead corpse on the ground, I transferred my very soul to this backup plan of mine—A super robot version of me! But you should only be worried about my 250 HP! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"I was just about to ask about that incredibly HIGH and UNFAIR stat!" snapped Mario, emphasizing certain words to get through the developers' thick skulls.

"It's too late. You're doomed now, buddy boy!" cried Ducky V2.0, breathing fire into the air as he laughed evilly. The sky began turning gray as thunderstorms and thick black clouds rolled in.

"Sheesh…" muttered Mario in frustration.

"Now, everybody in the world shall watch on their precious HDTVs addictively as I destroy you, ripping you apart like mere paper!" Ducky V2.0 cackled. "Your time has come, Mario! You're gonna get a one-way ticket to He—"

Then it began raining.

Ducky V2.0 rusts from the severe amount of rain.

**A VICTORY IS MARIO!**

**MARIO WINS A SUPER MUSHROOM!**

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"Aw, damn…" Ducky's robotic form whimpered as it exploded into a brilliant ball of flame before Mario's eyes.

Never had Mario seen such a spectacular sight in his puny existence! Oh, how those flames crackled before him! The whole big fireball looked like a barbecue gone terribly wrong! Simply amazing how all that red and orange dashed the sky with astonishment! Mario watched on, amazed and addicted to the bright fiery colors as they—

"Meh, it's nothing special," Mario interrupted, yawning, stretching, and shrugging before heading off into the main village of the Mushroom Kingdom.

……

**A/N: **Well, seems like Mario is now nearing the chancellor's castle! Will he tell everyone about the whole incident at Bowser's Keep, or will he keep quiet and screw around at the joke shop while he's here at the village?! Only one way to find out! Guess what that one way will be?...

Anyway, for now, go ahead and review.


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